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The Fear of Losing

Monday, March 2, 2015
By Ellen Livia - 12:03 PM



Yesterday night I took a walk.
Yes, a night walk.
It's so cold but the beauty of the frozen trees that I saw make me realize I need to get out from the house and take some pictures.

My obsession of photograph is more than anything else in the past 6 months. I want to keep the memories in a photograph. 





I realized that people may be gone, but the photograph will be the same no matter what is going to happen.

I tried to be happy this weekend. My friend back home (Indonesia) was in the hospital. I was worried, but i am trying to make my self feel good. Be happy. 
Because being happy is good.

Yesterday everything was fine, i saw the beautiful frozen trees. I watched Grey's Anatomy. I talked to the person that made me happy. I made Valentine's Day Card with my stage crew friends. Not to mention that i fell 4 times yesterday and I waited outside till my host-brother woke up to open the door. But that was okay. Everything was awesome.. 

Until I knew that my close friend that I knew for a half of my life is coma. I just can't handle it. I wish I was there,
It hurts,
I am afraid,
Everyday I always heard someone asked me how I am, I always said i am okay.
I realized that when people said 'How are You?' It's just the way they said Hello and Goodbye. People said how are you in a hallway, class, and home without really care about how someone's feeling is.

Maybe 'are you okay' is the actual question to ask 'how are you'.

This morning is peaceful. Me and my host-parent just gazed at the window and look at the frozen trees are melting. I felt good, really.. 
They asked me how I am, and i told them i was okay. I don't wanna screw their beautiful morning.
Then they left, going to work. I took my 1989 album that my host grandpa gave me in Christmas. I played piano to make me feel better. Taylor's song didn't make me feel home. 

I took my guitar and played  'Melompat Lebih Tinggi'. I was home alone,  i feel free to sing out loud. My host Mom went home, she was crying and I don't know what happened. I hugged her and she told me that gandpa just passed away. I'm not really close to grandpa but i feel sorry for him. It hurts, i haven't felt this for a long time, the fear of losing.

I wish i did not know what happened, i'm feeling like I just want to runaway. I don't want to see her crying. I don't want this feeling. I am afraid of losing more people.

Thankyou for people that cared about me.
I feel blessed.
I just need time for today.
I wish Baltimore will heal me


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